First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
