Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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