Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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