Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
