I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
