3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You're so nebulous sometimes
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
