I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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