come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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