I need to stop coming to work sober
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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