No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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