I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
