i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
