Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
