I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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