Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
