Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
