im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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