I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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