I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
