you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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