whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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