Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
