I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize