just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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