Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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