just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
