Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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