Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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