discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
