I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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