4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
