I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Randomize
