U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
