maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
