every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My ass is underappreciated
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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