If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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