I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
