sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
A bitchslap is in order.
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