Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
