I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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