I will die if light touches me.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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