Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
