Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm getting married
To pizza
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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