I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
