My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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