FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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