I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
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I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
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She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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