i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
