You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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