I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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