wanna go halves on a baby?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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