Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
