Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
