I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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