I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
