'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
