So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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