dude i'm inner monologue high
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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