I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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